Monkeys

I remember being about 3 or 4 years old when my dad took me to some pet shop. A monkey in a cage almost grabbed my eye before the man working there moved me away. I was in a certain degree of paralysis due to shock, but the man had saved my right eye. The surrealist experience still lives with me today. I see allot of savage animals just reaching out and grabbing. Massachusetts is loaded with them. But just last night I had a Morning Glory Seed flashback from a hit I took 20 years ago. Maybe there is more to this.
I was talking with a Native Indian chief from the Haudenosaunee tribe; he told me that the monkey was actually trying to use my eye to see what I see. As we smoked a peace pipe of fine American tobacco, I saw shapes of animals that resembled monkeys and crows. Looking from these shapes I saw myself as a person with a degree of economic independence, but with minor social influence. An exploited middle class American with certain selfishness was sitting there.
I loved this power so I stole the peace pipe and smoked it in the local Starbucks to view the cliental. I saw people of similar qualities but with a degree of guilt for what they had achieved. They believed they were not selfish in anyway. They believed in a socialistic system, but they were the cream of the crop of some bizarre political system. These people are the boisterous minority that seems to have major control over the USA. People with good intentions living in a controlled environment.
The police escorted me out, but I was happy to return the peace pipe this morning.

The Metric System

Early June was my pilgrimage to the Czech Republic, while being my American stereotypical self, I came to a deal that the entire USA has to follow. I was with King Zdenek, who is a representative of both the Czech Republic and most of Europe. While showing him the secret society of Geocaching we came to a conclusion that the planet, well the universe, has to come with specific commonalities to avoid both embarrassment and disaster.

English, we decided, is the language of the universe. Communism is bad. France will never win a war without help. European Gypsy's are good musicians and also good for stealing chickens. After about 900 glasses of Starobrno, I made a deal for the USA to switch to the metric system. I am sorry to those that love the heritage of the United States customary units, or maybe the English units. But a deal is a deal. I will not let down the great King Zdenek, his Surgeon General Milan, or the continent they represent.

So we have to start using the Metric system. One yard (three feet) is just over a meter. That's the length of a door knob to the floor.

The Center of the Universe

I was reminded recently by my buddy Arthur (C Clarke) about the Creation Museum having its 100,000th visitor. After Arthur criticized me for smoking cigars and drinking scotch, he started to scrutinize the backwardness of Kentucky. I then looked through the trash to find an old brochure I received....

"THE BIBLE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF AT THE CREATION MUSEUM. WE’VE JUST PAVED THE WAY TO A GREATER UNDERSTANDING OF THE TENETS OF CREATION AND REDEMPTION. OUR EXHIBIT HALLS ARE GILDED WITH TRUTH, OUR GARDENS TEEM WITH THE VISIBLE SIGNS OF LIFE."

Then he pointed out a page with a blurb about a Planetarium. Now this did confuse us. Do these people believe in a Fixed Earth?
www.fixedearth.com is a site is run by Republican fundraiser Marshall Hall, who has circulated flyer's all over congress to promote the fact that the sun revolves around the earth. Those stars that are billions of light years away have a long way to go each 24 hours. That's pretty darn fast. Is this site a hoax? I am afraid not.
We then talk about Geosynchronous orbit, and how bizarre it would be to pay money to go to a fixed earth planetarium. The greatest comedians could not invent such an obscure idea. The concept was too much for us to comprehend. I rudely pass out after a cold Cape Cod Beer Growler. Arthur has a minor heart attack and heads back to Sri Lanka.

Interesting Audio Files

I got this message. It reminds me a lot of similar messages. So, I did some web research and found an UNEDITED VERSION. I could get killed for revealing such a conspiracy.

Then I found another one here. I tell you, there is some conspiracy here with building #7, the cigarette smoking man, and loc ness. I will have to find Sasquatch to save the world.

Bad Beat

170 players. Top Dog plays A Sunday $1,000,000 tourney (top prize is $500,000). Second Place gets his money back.

Last table, eight people left. I was 2nd place in chips.

Pocket aces on the deal. Top guy keeps raising pre flop. Half of my money is in there. Out of the four that kept up, the flop shows two clubs and an Ace. That guy goes in, I call. Turn is a flush for him (he had a three and seven of clubs). Nothing on the river to make a high flush or a full house, I had 3 aces on the flop ya know. Worst beat ever. This guy was raising on a Three and Seven of clubs before the flop. Ouch!

On a side note, Second life shut down all games of chance. Now I don't gamble online, but the FBI needs to stay out of virtual worlds. They should be working to fix the real world.

Traffic

God reminded me today that working in or near Boston sucks. I was not looking forward to going to Waltham for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. But I had to take some advanced firewall classes to sharpen my skills. I was zipping back and forth at about an hour. Today after spending Four hours behind this mess, God was just kind enough to remind me that a regular five minute commute to work is a blessing.

Poor guy got slammed in the head with a freaking steel grate.

So I never made it to my last day of class, I turned around and went to Craigville Beach. Way too awesome!

Sweet Caroline Part 2

At the fourth round, hey, it was centered! I think we are going to hang out on Sunday, have a few coffee's, and punch holes in paper.

Have a student go to Czech Republic in summer 2008

I know of a family that lives’ near Brno, Czech Republic, that would like to host an American teenage student for the summer of 2008. They are a very nice family. The Husband is the Manager of sales of a great hotel and wellness center, the wife owns a PR agency, and there are 14 and 4 year old daughters.

Anyone interested, let me know.

-Bradley G. Ouimette

You Don't Know Jack!

Town Charter Commission

So it's official. I should be on the ticket for Town Charter Commission. I plan on cleaning up politics in the town of Barnstable. I have Godzilla as my campaign manager.

More details upcoming at my cape cod blog.

French rower Charlie Girard

French rower Charlie Girard, the frog that keeps trying to row across the Atlantic Ocean just put our brave US Coast Guard in danger. "I need help" said the Frenchman. Wow, what a surprise. I can't even imagine the money this cost us US tax payers.

Does he need sympathy? NO! You do something stupid and get hurt, you should get a "I told you so." Lets kick this man while he is down.

I went to Paris in Christmas 2002, and got deported after defending myself against restaurants that were charging too much on the bill. Having a fully auto MP5 9mm pointed at you by a dwebby French pig is not nice. Especially after being treated rude the entire time I was there. I tried to be nice, heck I paid to vacation there. But now, I can never legally return to France again. THANK YOU FOR THE REASSURANCE FRANCE! I will never go to that piss smelling city again.

Note; I may be near 50% French blood, but I am 100% American!

I end this talking points memo with some jokes......

Q. Why is the U.S. Navy building a fleet of glass bottom boats?
A. So they can steer around the French Navy.

Q. What do you call a person taking a bath in France?
A. A Tourist

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q. Why are the French so afraid of war?
A. You would be too if you never won one in your history.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. No one knows. It's never been tried.

A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The barman says "That's an real ugly bird you've there. Where did u get it?"The parrot says "I got it in France ... There's millions of 'em there"

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I give up.

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."-Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf

Counter Strike Handguns

Night Hawk .50C = Desert Eagle (Magnum Research) 50 Caliber
The power of a .50 handgun round (At $5 a round in real life) better do the job. However in the game, the rounds come free.
ES Five-Seven = FNH Five-Seven 5.7x28mm
Great backup gun. The high rate of speed (and the 20 rounds that it holds) has made this gun a good target for the Brady bunch.
.40 Dual Elites = Two Beretta 92 in .40 Caliber
When I think of Baretta's, I think 9mm. So this must be a special version of the Beratta 92. .40 is my favorite carry caliber. Nice stopping power with less recoil then a .45
228 Compact = SIG P220 in .45acp
Great gun, but why a compact? Your going into combat, not concealing your handgun.
K&M .45 Tactical = H&K USP45 in .45acp
Heckler & Koch make great handguns, and this should be one of the best for real life combat. Howver its my least favorite handgun.
9x19mm Sidearm = Glock 17 with burst fire in 9mm
I know of special orders for the Glock 18. It has a 3 round burst option, and I would definitely get this if I could afford this version. This is probably the best gun for real life combat. Sure its ugly, but it is very reliable and spray bullets at close range would give you an advantage over any other handgun listed. Its not fully automatic, making it easy to control.

Superman

See if you can kill me :)